Terrible Thursday: THE THIEF AND THE COBBLER

THE MOVIE:
The Thief and the Cobbler

THE YEAR:
1995

CAST:
Matthew Broderick, Vincent Price (yes, the dead one), Jennifer Beals

THE DIRECTOR:
Richard Williams

THE PLOT:

In the ancient city of Baghdad, magically protected by three Golden Balls, a timid shoemaker named Tack falls for the lovely, adventure-loving Princess Yumyum. When a bumbling thief manages to steal the enchanted orbs, they fall into the hands of the wicked wizard Zigzag. Tack and the Princess must recover the magic balls, defeat the evil Zigzag, and save their beloved city from destruction!

WHY IS IT BAD?
THE THIEF AND THE COBBLER is the equivalent of watching dreams die on the big screen.  You can literally feel the heartbreak in every frame. In fact, watching this film and learning about its trials and tribulations is enough to break anyone’s spirits. So, yeah, it’s kind of a downer.

Released more than 30 years (THIRTY!) after it was first started, the movie is an utter mess and nothing like the original vision the film makers had envisioned. To say it’s awful is to put it lightly. However, unlike many other bad films I’ve chronicled, this one has a fascinating story behind it.

Still, it’s trash. Fascinating trash.

To sum it up briefly: famed animator Richard Williams (you might remember him for his later work on WHO FRAMED ROGER RABBIT) started THE THIEF AND THE COBBLER back in glory days of 1964. He imagined an epic, arabian masterpiece unlike any before it. Well, it took a bit longer than he hoped. After decades of complications, budgetary constraints and general mismanagement, Williams was taken off the project. Then the film was shoddily edited, voices were added (the original concept had no voices aside from Vincent Price — WHO WOULD BE DEAD AND BURIED BEFORE THE FILM EVER GOT RELEASED!) and god-awful songs mimicking Disney were jammed together to make a truly horrendous animated shitpile. I don’t feel bad calling it a shitpile because there is literally no other word to describe it. It was renamed THE PRINCESS AND THE COBBLER and ARABIAN KNIGHT in some regions to try and appeal to the young audience that ate up ALADDIN. Here in the states it was released in only 500 theaters and was rightfully panned and avoided. After thirty years of hard work and tears, we have a completely cluttered, sloppy mis-mash of a movie. See, told you it was fascinating.

It’s not that THE THIEF AND THE COBBLER is bad, it’s sad.

Oh, but it is bad too. The version I saw (the theatrical release now on DVD) has all the horrible elements mentioned: young stars (Matthew Broderick, Jennifer Beals and, um, Jonathan Winters) lending their voices, unnecessary songs that are embarrassingly bad and really sloppy editing. Even if you don’t know jack about the history of the movie, you can tell that something is off. Take The Thief for example. Originally, the character didn’t speak, just snuck around and stole stuff. Cute. In the final version, Jonathan Winters gives The Thief a bizarre, rambling interior monologue that most kids won’t find funny and most adults will find boring. Remember on AMERICA’S FUNNIEST HOME VIDEOS when Bob Saget would make silly voices while the clips played? It’s kind of like that. But not as funny. Not as funny as AMERICA’S FUNNIEST HOME VIDEOS.

I can’t even do it justice. Watch the trailer:

Trailer for THE THIEF AND THE COBBLER:

Now can you see what I’m talking about? Pretty terrible, huh?

Thirty years spent on this movie! Thirty years down the drain! Man, even I’m getting depressed and I had nothing to do with this movie. If you know someone in film school and you want to break their heart for some reason (you jerk!), sit them down and have them watch this. Let them know that despite best intentions, sometimes Hollywood gets ahold of something — for whatever reasons — and completely mangles it. Sometimes it chews up a decent film and releases a horrible one. Sometimes it takes all the fun and spirit out of a project. Sometimes Hollywood gives us THE THIEF AND THE COBBLER.

May we never forget.

WORST ASPECT:
The whole movie is bad, bad, bad but the songs really take the cake. When being re-edited, Miramax decided to make the film more kid friendly (a.k.a. rip off Disney) so a batch of completely heartless songs were added. I couldn’t even sing one if I tried, they are that forgettable.

In a movie this bad, it takes a lot to stand out but the songs in THE THIEF AND THE COBBLER really do.

Let’s end it on a positive note though: fans of Richard Williams have edited together copies of workprints, storyboards and old reels to create what they call the “re-cobbled” edit of the film. They say it does the movie justice and trashes all the silly elements that destroyed the movie. You can find it online if you have any interest.

But no matter what you do, don’t watch THE THIEF AND THE COBBLER unless you have some protection. Like a blindfold.