Terrible Thursday: BICENTENNIAL MAN

THE MOVIE:
Bicentennial Man

THE YEAR:
1999

CAST:
Robin Williams, Embeth Davidtz, Sam Neill

THE DIRECTOR:
Chris Columbus

THE PLOT:

This film follows the ‘life’ and times of the lead character, an android who is purchased as a household robot programmed to perform menial tasks. Within a few days the Martin family realizes that they don’t have an ordinary droid as Andrew begins to experience emotions and creative thought. In a story that spans two centuries, Andrew learns the intricacies of humanity while trying to stop those who created him from destroying him

WHY IS IT BAD?
This is an important film!

This is an important, timely, heartbreaking film! That’s what the creators of BICENTENNIAL MAN thought when making this movie. By raising a controversial and (once) unique question, they thought they were truly making a masterpiece. Well, as you can guess, they weren’t.

BICENTENNIAL MAN is hellbent on asking that one central question: what does it take to be human? But the film itself lacks any humanity. It has the musical swells, the moments that try to tug on your heartstrings, the deaths of characters you grow to like. But it’s got no spirit. BICENTENNIAL MAN assumes that since it’s asking an important question, you’ll be invested.

No, BICENTENNIAL MAN, no.

If you want to ask difficult and intricate questions, you have to be willing to show true depth. But not BICENTENNIAL MAN, which manages to sneak in a fart joke! People give Spielberg’s A.I. a hard time but at least that film got dark and realistic, showing a world where robots aren’t treated properly. That movie had ghettos of discarded androids and bigoted humans who paid to see them destroyed. BICENTENNIAL MAN has none of that. Well, Robin Williams does fall out of a window once, so I guess he experiences some hardships.

“But Brandon,” people say, “this movie was supposed to be suitable for both children and adults.” So? There are plenty of deep, nuanced films that entire families can enjoy (ANY Pixar film, for example). BICENTENNIAL MAN is just cheap. It just goes through the motions. Ironically enough, it’s one of the most boring, robotic films I’ve ever seen.

The trailer for BICENTENNIAL MAN!

And don’t get me started about those creepy robots. I pray that if we ever create robot servants, they won’t be as terrifying and eerie as the monstrosities in this film. Firstly, why on Earth would designers create a robot with a face like Robin Williams? No offense to Mr. Williams, but he doesn’t have the most graceful, gentle facial features. Didn’t the robot companies put these things through a focus group? Weren’t they told that the android’s features were just…creepy. Not only that, these machines are loud and slow. Also, dumb. The robots in BICENTENNIAL MAN don’t understand humor. I can’t tell you how many times this movie beats that dead horse. We get it, Andrew the robot doesn’t catch your irony. Hilarious. Please, for the love of all that is holy, let it go.

Seriously, that face…

People give Robin Williams a hard time but as annoying as his shtick can get sometimes (I still rather like it), nothing is worse than seeing him play a sad sack with a  soft voice and fragile emotions. I wished — yearned! — for him to break into a gay Chihuahua voice. Give me just one Schwarzenegger voice, Robin! In the rights hands (say, Gus Van Sant or Bobcat Goldthwait, this persona works. With Chris Columbus, it certainly does not. At all.

Here’s the saddest fact: there’s a good movie in here somewhere. However, it moves along too quickly. The years go flying by without giving us a chance to become invested in the characters. The entire film is just an excuse to ask that one pivotal question: is Andrew a human? And it asks it again and again and again…

Too many of Robin Williams’s films have relied on sentimental, contrived ideas and BICENTENNIAL MAN is the worst offender. The film makers are constantly pressuring the viewer to feel empathetic to Andrew and his plight. You know when a character is killed in a film for the sole purpose of wetting your eyes (PAY IT FORWARD comes to mind)? That’s BICENTENNIAL MAN, over and over again.

And you know what? I actually chuckled when Robin Williams passed away at the end. Does that make me cold hearted? Maybe, but at least I know I’m human.

WORST ASPECT?
Definitely the creepy robots. Something about their tones, their eyes, their entire personas. The robots in BICENTENNIAL MAN are what nightmares are made of. They’re not Johnny 5, that’s for sure.