To my knowledge, no one was raptured this weekend. Nor was anyone apocolypsed, or armaggedoned. I almost hesitate to bring it up, actually, because it was such a disappointment. I had visions of myself, as a kid in a candy store, snatching up all the valuables left behind by those who had ascended; instead, I find myself with a pocket full of let down, a browser history full of rapture memes, and a brain full of raptor puns (as per usual).
Silly parrots, always assuming the worst. It's probably only your family that disappeared.
Now, I’m not a religious person (hence the mass amounts of blasphemy), but I had high hopes for this rapture. I figured, with most of the world gone, I would finally be able to get to all of the projects I have been putting off: finishing my Freud piñata, alphabetizing my DVDs, stealing the possessions of everyone who has left the earthly realm. This is just like Harold Camping’s prediction in 1994, except in ’94 it was a Ricki Lake piñata and alphabetizing pogs. The feeling of deflation is exactly the same, though. Crestfallen, I continue to plug ahead, trying to find some sort of salvageable upside. What can I do? How can I avoid this discontent in the future? How can I help Harold Camping?
Perhaps if Mr. Camping could get his hands on a more focused list of people to be raptured, then we could streamline the whole process. I’m not sure what the exact process of selection is for such a task, but I’m confident Camping can relay the info the right source; he obviously has some sort of connection with someone up top. To make it even easier, I’d like to provide Harold with such a list. Again, the process is a bit blurry to me, but I think I have what it takes to decide who goes and who stays.
Top of my list for Camping: Seth McFarlane. I know, I know, I can hear the nerdy outcry now, but hear me out. I am incredibly fond of McFarlane’s early work, and I even have a soft spot in my heart for AMERICAN DAD, but this time McFarlane has gone too far. He’s been given the greenlight to go ahead with his remake of THE FLINTSTONES for FOX. There are two aspects to this which really, really, really bother me.
I'm sure the product placement wont deter from the main focus of the show: making money.
One, McFarlane hasn’t brought anything new, witty or particularly funny to television since he put FAMILY GUY on life support and focused his efforts on AMERICAN DAD. Even this may have been forgivable (eventually), had he not then created a third show, THE CLEVELAND SHOW. When you’re creative juices are as sapped as his, spreading them even thinner is never the best idea. If you’re ever unsure, Mr. McFarlane, here’s a litmus test: Does it involve the word “spin-off?” If the answer is even remotely close to yes, then walk away quickly.
Two, FOX and McFarlane are presenting the remake of the Hanna-Barbera classic as a chance “to introduce them to a whole new generation on Fox,” according to FOX’s President of Entertainment, Kevin Reilly. Is that so, Mr. Reilly? Because, it would be pretty easy to introduce children to THE FLINTSTONES without having to “modernize” the series for a younger audience. Have you considered, maybe, just letting them watch original series? Absurd, I know, but the whole set costs about thirty bucks at Costco. Baddabing, Baddaboom. Problem solved.
McFarlane isn’t the only one who has made the list. As a matter of fact, it’s pretty much full of people and networks that have shoved remake after remake at us for the last few years. As far as I’m concerned, the people behind HAWAII FIVE- O, KNIGHT RIDER and CHARLIE’S ANGELS all belong on the list. There should be additional penalties for both HAWAII FIVE-O (for allowing the series to continue for another season) and CHARLIE’S ANGELS (for coming back to haunt us after already torturing us with two film adaptations). There is no amount of modernization or neat, new technology that you can apply to these hackneyed projects to make them any better. Setting them in new cities, with younger stars and more nudity does not change the fact that you are remaking bad television.
This rule applies to the CSI and LAW AND ORDER franchises, as well. Setting your series in a different city, or different department, does not make it more interesting or innovative. The plot devices provided by the new location will not be enough to ensure the longevity of the show and will only result in thinning out your viewers.
On this note, I’d like to give NBC a pat on the back. Not only did they pass on the over-hyped remake of WONDER WOMAN, but they also removed LAW AND ORDER LA from their line-up for the fall. In my opinion, this not only excuses NBC from the current rapture, but also gives them a free pass for the next rapture (TBA).
Perhaps it’s a bit blasphemous to base my rapture preferences upon television. As a matter of fact, I don’t know how pious it is to have rapture preferences, in the first place. These seem like petty aspects to dwell upon, though, in the grand scheme of things. In times like these, when the end is nigh, there is plenty of time to reflect on the things we hold dear. For me, that is television, and I wont have a bunch of sinners mucking it up.
