Why The Emmys Sucked

Not enough Ricky Gervais

I’m of the opinion that awards shows should be listed along a Gervais-interrupted timeline with a pre-Ricky, post-Ricky sort of designation due to his turn hosting the Golden Globes last January. A performance that altered how these shows should be done and how they are perceived.

See, awards shows still take themselves as seriously as they always have while we have evolved not to. Most of us don’t even watch them; finding out who won, lost, looked amazing, slutty, or ridiculous from Twitter, Facebook, and sites like this.

The only people who don’t realize that or didn’t realize that, are the people who put these shows together, the people who attend them, and sycophants; all living in a pretty bubble. The brilliance of Gervais is that he had the danglies to pop that bubble, not just lean against it like so many others have before.

Face it, awards shows are outdated in how they present celebrity. Ever-willing to pretend that these people are still on a pedestal; even as our bulbous media machine shakes all things off their high perch while rumbling down the road.

Simply put: We know, (as a side effect of the never-ending need for content and the ever fading boundaries of privacy) that celebrities are simply fucked up people with oodles of money, not these sacred cows that should be spared all harsh words on “their night“.

Gervais saw that and reacted. Saw that celebrities were letting other celebrities celebrate being celebrated without a cross word; something he clearly saw as offensive, something that he could alter by taking the piss out of a group of people who make millions to play make-believe.

You see that show wasn’t for that room; it was for the room we were in, our living room, our bedroom, our bathroom if we’re so well off that we can afford a TV in the potty. That show was about entertaining us not coddling a group of people who clearly need to develop a thicker skin. After all, real life makes fools of us all at one time or another and if we can’t laugh at our mistakes, at the mistakes we all make or are capable of making what good are they?

Jane Lynch tried to do her best with an assignment that didn’t match her skill set, just like Anne Hathaway at the Oscars (notice the hell out of that omission of James Franco, and the words “tried“ and “best“) but in the post-Rickey era we needed more of him than that funny clip. We needed less song and dance, more truth and humor.

The Sound of Music

I love musicals, and singing, and all that jazz, but we have hit the break point as a society. Jingles, long thought bludgeoned to death by humor in the great, unseen, war for advertising supremacy are on the rise once more; stuck in our head like a bee in a bag, driving us toward a Schumann-esque meltdown.

Awards shows do nothing to help ease this, peppering us with inane musical numbers and the EmmyTones.

Let me be clear, the EmmyTones irrevocably diminished the coolness factor of Zachary Levi, Colbie Smulders, Taraji P. Henson, and Kate Flannery (Valderamma had nothing left to lose and after SPY KIDS I don’t know think McHale did either).

With all of that said, “Freak Bill Macy, USA!” was one the shows funniest moments. That’s no excuse for excessive sing-songyness though.

Voiceover Guy

Everyone has license to be snarky regarding awards shows but the mysterious figure known only as “Voiceover Guy” made my soul hurt due to his extremely un-funny and distracting quips in the moment between “surprise face” and weepy acceptance speech.

Really it’s not even the concept that bothered me, just the jokes that felt like they were lifted from Bruce Villanch’s trash receptacle and the smugness of the VOG who was oblivious to his intense level of suck.

Insensitive In Memoriam

Again Producers split the cameras focus between pictures of those being remembered and musicians singing a song that, as our own Brandon Marcus pointed out on the tweet-tweet, isn’t about death.

It’s sad and strange but for some, the “In Memoriam” segment represents the fullest remembrance their loved ones will ever see from the entertainment industry and it deserves our full attention. It also deserves to be complete and the omissions of Jeff Conaway, Len Lesser, and others strikes me as inexcusable.

Charlie Sheen Hits Rock Bottom 

Wasn’t he the Apocalyptic Kitten Hurler from Siberia? The Lobster-Clawed Haberdasher from the third ring of Jupiter? Or was it he Zombie Disco Mayhem Machine? The Fantasia Hippo Coke Rocketship? Perhaps it was just the over-long joke that’s gone on too long? (That has two meanings)

Charlie Sheen or whatever he calls himself has melted in front of our faces over the course of the last 9 months, inspiring horror, glee, and consternation. A “cue-ball pop diva freeing the beast on a mini-van” level chemical freak out that would make Hunter S. Thompson blush.

As bad as it was though, one always thought “this can get worse” and it has. A day before exposing us to one of the more toothless Comedy Central Roasts in its unnecessary history (what joke hasn’t been told about the Warlord?), Sheen took to the Emmy stage, flashed his coke-eating grin and delivered well wishes to the people affiliated with TWO AND A HALF MEN.

No one wanted Charlie Sheen to walk on stage and light himself on fire again (not literally at least) but after all this time proclaiming himself to be this unsinkable-excess monster, this enviable rebel you can understand the surprise and disappointment.

Yeah sure it’s great that Sheen did the adult thing but did he have to seem so disingenuous, so weak and typical? It was like seeing a tiger, once frightening and exciting, slumped on a rock, its blood drained. On the plus side though, at least it wasn’t an episode of that new Ashton Kutcher sitcom.