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Good evening folks! Go put on your tux’s and gowns and start the Moet champagne poppin’! Welcome to Very Aware’s live blog of tonight’s Ricky Gervais hosted roast of everyone in Hollywood 69th Annual Golden Globe Awards! If you have been watching pre-show red carpet coverage, you’ve seen tonight’s best dresses (Penelope Ann Miller, Viola Davis and Emma Stone) and fashion’s faux-pas (Piper Perabo, Sarah Michelle Gellar and Zooey Deschanel). Nude/ blush dresses seem to be the color trend of the evening. And I must warn you, dearest reader. With Fassbender and Dujardin being in the same room, I might be overcome by “the vapors” during tonight’s telecast. Anyways… stay tuned to our awards show coverage right here once the show begins at 5pm (PT)/ 8pm (ET) on NBC. And just so you know, there will be SPOILERS (and maybe a few typos).
So without further ado, let the sassy snark begin!
7:58 pm – The ceremony ends… and not a moment too soon. Have y’all died of boredom? What did you think of the show? Did you find Gervais’ act as watered down as we did?
7:55 pm – Harrison Ford, who’s been bored this whole night, is presenting BEST MOTION PICTURE - DRAMA: THE DESCENDANTS.
7:47 pm – Why haven’t there been any other glorious shots of Fassbender throughout this broadcast? Yet another reason why this show blows this year. BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A MOTION PICTURE - DRAMA – George Clooney, THE DESCENDANTS. Fassboner was robbed but at least Clooney got some funny quips in about his dick.
7:39 pm – a flawless Jane Fonda presents BEST MOTION PICTURE - COMEDY OR MUSICAL toTHE ARTIST. Best part of the night, Uggie gets to take the stage to do a trick with Dujardin. Call the paramedics! I’ve passed out due to the overload of cute!
7:32 pm – “It’s so good having a job, getting drunk, and saying what you want.” But you aren’t! Says he’s seen Colin Firth punch a blind kitten and called him racist. Ok, I will ease up on the man slightly now. BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A MOTION PICTURE - DRAMA : Meryl Streep, THE IRON LADY. To which I can’t stop myself from shouting “Helloooooooooooo!” ala Mrs. Doubtfire. Pays tribute to other strong leading lady performances of the year. Gotta love that!
7:24 pm – I’ve just physically recoiled seeing Jessica Biel’s saggy third tit in her ugly, frumpy dress. Is this a TOTAL RECALL synergy thing? BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A MOTION PICTURE - COMEDY OR MUSICAL: Jean Dujardin, THE ARTIST. Drooool…..
7:17 pm – Gervais gets bleeped by the censors for saying “”can’t understand a fucking word they say.” … I’m still waiting for the irreverence. Best TV Series, Musical or Comedy – MODERN FAMILY. If Gervais can’t understand Hayek and Banderas when they talk, Vergara will be three times as difficult. Her accent gets thicker every time I see her on a chat show.
7:13 pm - BEST DIRECTOR - MOTION PICTURE: Martin Scorsese – HUGO. Is he the first filmmaker to take a major award for a 3D film?
6: 55 pm – Cecil B. DeMille Award recipient, Mr.Tibbs Sidney Poitier is here to bequeath Morgan Freeman with the award and oh… my…. god.. with these effing dramatic pauses! At least I can nap off this wine for the next ten minutes. Oh thank God, it’s Helen Mirren! However, Freeman is not having any of these “jokes.” I really can’t blame him at this point. Also not enough DOLPHIN TALE clips were used in that montage.
6:47 pm – My 3rd husband Braaaaaadley Cooper is here… droooool! BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A MOTION PICTURE – Octavia Spencer, THE HELP. Once again, it’s women’s poop that’s getting noticed by the HFPA’s.
6:43 pm – So I guess the only take away joke from BRIDESMAIDS was that these ladies pooped their pants? Thanks, Hollywood! (pours more wine). Tina Fey and Jane Lynch make the first penis joke of the night…. about Thomas Jane. Best TV Actor, Musical or Comedy – Matt LeBlanc, EPISODES. Fun fact: y’ll know he’s dating his JOEY co-star sitcom kiss of death Andrea Anders. Something good actually came out of JOEY!
6:38 pm – Oooh! My favorite part of the evening is coming up when they introduce the Ernst & Young accountants!” -says no one (well, maybe those accountants’ parents say this)
6:34 pm – Dustin Hoffman announces Best TV Actress, Drama : Claire Danes, HOMELAND. Like I said, this show needs more Temple Grandin. Love her callback to her first time winning for MY SO CALLED LIFE. Cut to A.J. Langer gently weeping in her giant princess mansion.
6:30pm – Gervais has moved on to wine. Still not telling funny jokes. Here comes Madonna to show Gervais how it’s done. “I haven’t kissed a girl in a few years….on TV.” Her “thinking outside the box” comment in her canned speech about foreign film take on a whole new meaning. BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM – A SEPARATION (Iran)
6:23pm – BEST SCREENPLAY - MOTION PICTURE: Woody Allen, MIDNIGHT IN PARIS . Oh great a funny, married Hollywood couple to do a bit. Challenge accepted Jolie-Pitt? Best TV Supporting Actress, Series, Miniseries or Movie : Jessica Lange, “American Horror Story”. I’m gonna say it – Evan Rachel Wood was robbed. I don’t like her now because of her nasty performance as “Vida.”
6:22 pm – Hottie Ewan McGregor congradulates his “‘pops” on Plummer’s win when he announces the clip of 50/50. Joseph Gordon Levitt just smiled. My ovaries just exploded.
6:13 pm – I think we just saw an “Oooh!” from Octavia Spencer either for Jessica Alba’s gorgeously sparkly lilac dress OR Channing Tatum’s hotness. BEST ANIMATED FEATURE FILM - THE ADVENTURES OF TINTIN: THE SECRET OF THE UNICORN.
6:11 pm – “So much better than last year’s audience! they had a right stick up their asses.” says Gervais. Don’t get me started about his watered down act tonight. Clooney pranks Pitt when he steals his cane. Hahameh…. Also with her shawl on, Jolie looks like she is bleeding out of her neck.
6:08 pm – DAY MADE! The two worst dresses of the red carpet are paired together on one stage – Piper Perabo and Sarah Michelle Gellar. Best TV Supporting Actor, Series, Miniseries or Movie – Peter Dinklage, “Game of Thrones”. Dear Lord – I hope their ballgown dresses don’t envelope this loveable man.
6:00 pm – Seth Rogen makes the most titilating joke of the evening about having an erection courtesy of co-presenter Kate Beckinsale. Crowd in genuine hysterics. I think the HFPA’s just found next year’s host! BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A MOTION PICTURE - COMEDY OR MUSICAL : Michelle Williams, the hysterical MY WEEK WITH MARILYN. Touching thank you speech to her daughter. Very sweet that her first thank you wasn’t to Harvey Weinstein.
5:59 pm – Brad Pitt is working his “Floyd” look hard.
5:57 pm – NBC promoting its own show SMASH with presenters Best TV Actor, Miniseries or Movie – Idris Elba, LUTHER. Fun Fact learned about Elba: he c0- produced a track on Jay-Z’s “American Gangster” album. Dustin Hoffman expresses boredum (Stars- they’re just like US!)
5:46 pm – That guy from Maroon 5 and Jimmy Fallon are here to announce BEST ORIGINAL SCORE - MOTION PICTURE : Ludovic Bource – THE ARTIST . Kim Novak can take her toys and go home now – buh bye! BEST ORIGINAL SONG - MOTION PICTURE : “Masterpiece” – W.E. – Madonna. Magic is what happens when Madge works with William Orbit. Why is she wearing one lacy glove? Is this a regression as far as her changing looks go? Could we call this a reductive fashion choice? Also, who here think she only showed up because she already knew she won? (Me!) Priceless: Elton John’s face after Madonna won:
5:38 pm – Best TV Series, Drama – HOMELAND. Sad Temple Grandin is not there to storm the stage. Yes, that’s what this show is missing. MORE TEMPLE GRANDIN.
5:33 pm – Jake Gigglepants is here to smoulder announce a clip of the motion picture comedy, musical MY WEEK WITH MARILYN. Gervais returns to say lame jokes about how he’s an atheist. Safe introductions for presenters Paula Patton (who sounds like a Valley girl ditz) and Melissa McCarthy. Best TV Actor, Drama – Kelsey Grammer, BOSS (Do you any of you watch this show? Is it any good?#TeamCamille takes a hit on this one)
5:32 pm – Scar Jeremy Irons is here to explain what the hell the HFPA actually does.
5:27 pm - This is quickly on track to becoming the most snoozeworthy awards show of the year. It’s far too dry and lifeless for its own good. And we thought last year’s OSCARS was terrible. How naive were we?! Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be crying this out in my wine glass.
5:23 pm – Glaring is the absence of Gervais in between the awards making jokes and vamping. HFPA must have put the kibbosh on this. I, for one, miss his unique introductions of the presenters. Best Actress in a Miniseries or Movie – Kate Winslet, MILDRED PIERCE.
5:20 pm - Our first technical difficulty of the evening when teleprompter fails to work for a messy haired Rob Lowe and raven haired Julianne Moore. Best TV Miniseries or Movie – DOWNTON ABBEY (editors note: if you haven’t seen this show, you should start watching now. It’s brills!)
5: 13 pm Yay-! Presenter Ashton Kutcher doesn’t look like a Santa Monica homeless bozo anymore with his new haircut. Best TV Actress, Musical or Comedy – Laura Dern, ENLIGHTENED
5:10 pm – BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A MOTION PICTURE: Col. Von Trapp Christopher Plummer, BEGINNERS
5:08 pm – Gervais asks Depp point blank if he’d seen THE TOURIST. Depp says, “no.” Honestly, when did Depp get an non-distinct European accent.
5:02 pm – There’s that good ol’ payola joke again. Oh Ricky, you so irreverent! Good (albiet obvious) Jodie Foster- BEAVER joke, “Spoken to a lot of men here. They haven’t seen it either.”
5:01 pm – There’s a beer at the podium. We’re in for a treat. “So where was I?” he begins.
3:07 pm – Maybe it’s just me but I’m fully expecting Gervais to lead with an obvious combo joke about sixty-nining and the Hollywood casting couch. And also Fassbender penis jokes all night long. Perhaps this should be our drinking game?! (drink responsibly folks!)
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