THIS MEANS WAR
Directed by: McG
Written by: Timothy Dowling and Simon Kinberg (screenplay) Marcus Gautesen (story)
Starring: Reese Witherspoon, Tom Hardy, Chris Pine, Chelsea Handler, Til Schweiger, and Angela Bassett
I’ve had the distinct pleasure (and sometimes pain) of seeing every single “Oh my God! You’re a spy?!” film in theaters. KNIGHT AND DAY, KILLERS, and MR. & MRS. SMITH – been there, seen that. Now before you go awarding me with a badge of stupidity honor, keep in mind that I foolishly wholeheartedly believe in this niche genre and secretly hope that one day, Hollywood will get the screwball romantic action comedy right. It was my wish – no dream – that McG had gotten it right with THIS MEANS WAR. Oh boy, where did things go so wrong?!
On a covert mission in Hong Kong, the ultra suave FDR (Chris Pine) and dead sexy Tuck (Tom Hardy) descend upon a party like it was an cologne ad. They are the CIA agents sent there to apprehend the villainous Heinrich (Til Schweiger). When things go haywire – i.e. their cover is blown when they kill Heinrich’s brother in public – the two are relegated to desk jockey duty. For those of you keeping track, so far the film follows the standard buddy cop formula – replete with scene of them getting called into their superior’s (Angela Bassett) office for a scolding. Here’s where the romantic comedy bit ensues. Lauren (played by American national treasure Reese Witherspoon) runs a Consumer Reports style business in Los Angeles – a city she moved to in order to be closer to her ex-boyfriend, who’s now engaged. Feeling alone (if you can believe that this incredibly attractive woman would ever be single), Lauren’s sassy friend Trish (Chelsea Handler in all her glory) signs her up for an online dating site. Right before she’s about to delete her profile, she sees Tuck’s (if you can believe someone as ridiculously handsome as Hardy would ever NOT be knee deep in pussy and pining for a relationship) and agrees to meet up with him. What are the chances of showing up for an online date and the guy is as smokin’ hot as pillow-lipped Hardy?! The chemistry is instant. However, at a video store (a WHAT?!) later, she meets FDR. He badgers her into a date and before Lauren – and her paramours – know it, she’s juggling two relationships at once. After they discover they’ve fallen for the same girl, an all out competition ensues. Who will win her heart and will Heinrich come after the two for revenge?
Sadly for audiences who are looking to see something creative and witty, THIS MEANS WAR doesn’t veer at all from the tried and true formula of the genre. In fact, the script –composed of 70% dull double entendres and 30% action – from Timothy Dowling and Simon Kinberg skews even more lazy and predictable by the time the third act appears. Most troubling is the fact that by the third act, we’ve figured out that all of our protagonists are asshole-losers and we no longer care who Witherspoon winds up choosing. FDR trotting out his perfect family as an advantage, Tuck using his kid as a prop, and the fact Lauren is ready to sleep with two guys in the span of a day – you’ve got to admit, these are all pretty dick unsympathetic moves. The interplay between the two male leads is what makes the by-the-numbers film somewhat bearable. I wanted Hardy and Pine to give up going after Reeses’ pieces and just run off with each other. Now there’s a movie!
From Beastie Boys “Sabotage” to The Heavy’s overplayed anthem “How You Like Me Now?” to Sade’s “Smooth Operator,” the on-the-nose soundtrack choices beat the audience over the head. I half expected the Eurythmics classic “Would I Lie To You?” but perhaps the film was over budget. There’s no subtext. It’s all superficial, which I guess complements the script’s apparent formulaic shallowness.
Nevertheless, I’m not ready to call a full on boycott of these films. No sir! I just want Hollywood to take its time fostering the next screwball romantic action comedy script that crosses an executive’s path. As God as my witness, this genre will rise again!
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